


If Only He Knew

by robertstanion



Series: My Dear Evan Hansen fics idk what to do with [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: M/M, Oneshot, depressed Connor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-06
Updated: 2018-09-09
Packaged: 2019-07-07 20:10:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15915408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robertstanion/pseuds/robertstanion
Summary: Connor and Evan were the power couple of the year. Then everyone noticed a slight change in Evan's behaviour and that lead on to affect Connor. It took a turn of events when Connor ended up passing out and waking up next to Evan.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> you can all kill me for this, i'm sorry. also im british so this is going along with my knowledge of british schools :)

Connor sat at the back of the room. He plugged his headphones in, regardless of the events that were about to happen in the next few hours. At the end of class, Connor walked out with his headphones in until Jared grabbed his arm, his bad arm, and pulled him aside. "Murphy, I hate you and all, but I'm worried about you're fucking boyfriend." Connor sighed. Everyone had seen a change in Evan. He wasn't himself, not like before anyways. Connor shut his locker with his headphones in. "What's he done now?" Connor said, shaking his head slightly. "It's...I'll show you a picture." Jared showed Connor a picture. It was Evan sitting with his legs hanging out of his window, he was wearing grey jeans and black converse. He had also grown his bangs out miraculously in a month, the last time Connor had seen Evan, and died his hair a darker blonde. He was wearing a black hoodie.  _Evan Hansen was wearing a black hoodie._ "Murphy when was the last time you saw him!"

"A month because whenever  _we_ make plans, Kleinman, he cancels last minute."

"I suggest you get you're ass to the orchard for 6 PM tonight. He'll be there. I'll make him." Jared said and walked away. Connor took a breathe in, slammed his locker shut and walked out of school with the rest of his classmates. 

_The time: 3:18 PM_

"Connor, did Jared tell you to meet Evan at the orchard at 6PM?"

"Yeah, why do you even care! It's not like it's any of you're buis-"

"Connor I caught him with a needle in his arm half an hour ago!" Zoe whisper shouted, trying not to disturb her parents. Connor felt his pupils widen. 

"Upstairs." Zoe nodded and ran up the stairs as Connor slipped his own black converses off and tightened his hoodie. He threw his books on the table before running up the stairs and into his room, where Zoe sat on his bed. Connor threw his bag across the room. "Evan Hansen, my sweet and innocent boyfriend, had a needle in his arm. Are you sure it wasn't medication?" 

"Connor! Jared showed you the picture! Why on earth would he have medication now!" Zoe said, louder than downstairs, slamming Connor's door. Connor winced at the loud sound as he put his earphones in. "Zo, I have to go and talk to him tonight. Come with me, stay a distance so he can't see you, but close enough in case something goes wrong. The codeword is Fire, that's when you step in." Zoe nodded. "You're car." Zoe gave a shaky smile as they left the house after giving their parents a brief warning to where they were going. Connor sat in his car. "Are you sure you want to do this?" Zoe asked. Connor sighed. "I have to." 

* * *

 

Evan trembled as he pressed the needle into his arm. He pressed the top as the clear liquid entered his arm. "Ugh. Blood." Evan moaned. He grabbed a towel from the side of the room and pressed it to his bleeding arm. He don't know what had come over him, but he hadn't gone to school in a month. He hadn't seen Connor in a month. Did he even know if him and Connor were still together anymore? No. He didn't know. But was it if he cared was the question. There was a soft knock on his bedroom door. "WHAT DO YOU WANT!" He screamed. He rolled his eyes and threw the empty syringe in the trash. He opened the door. Nobody. He threw himself on to the wall and left a mark, again. He _unlocked_ the window and swung his legs out of it, letting them dangle there. He lit a cigarette and began inhaling it's fumes. Evan waited for the high to commence, which took 4 hours last time. As Evan exhaled the cloud of smoke, he saw Jared. "WHAT DO YOU WANT KLEINMAN!" He wasn't going to look at Jared for the life of him. He was focusing on his high and the lit cigarette. "I WANT YOU TO GET DOWN FROM THAT WINDOW AND FOR YOU TO COME TO THE ORCHARD WITH ME! I HAVE TO GIVE YOU HOMEWORK!"

"JUST SHOVE IT THROUGH THE MAILBOX!"

"I HAVE TO HELP YOU WITH IT!" Jared shouted in frustration. 

"FINE!" He shouted, slipping his high topped black converses on and walking out in a rage. "I'm only going to be there, for 10 minutes. Then I'm coming straight back." Evan said, flipping Jared off and walking towards the orchard. Jared looked at the time.  _Currently 5:58_ "Connor please be there..." Jared whispered, following Evan. 

* * *

"Just read the fucking book Connor!" Zoe said, hanging upside down from a tree nearby. Connor rolled his eyes, pulled out a heavy book (twilight, it's zoe's dont ask me about that) and began reading it. About a quarter of the way through, Connor heard footsteps approaching him. He shut the book, scared to look in case it wasn't him, but he slipped the book back in his satchel and looked. "Connor what are you doing here." Evan asked flat. It wasn't even a question, it was just a statement. Connor saw Jared join Zoe farther away from where they were standing. "Evan what the fuck have you done to yourself!" Connor quick walked over to his boyfriend and looked at him. "Evan?" Connor said, moving his fringe out of his eyes. "It doesn't matter what the fuck I've done to myself, Connor!" Evan couldn't be done with seeing Connor. Especially now. Was Evan going to tell Connor he'd been diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression because of it, or was he going to leave it. Evan pulled his shoulder away from the taller boy as Connor frowned. "I haven't seen you in a month!"

"Yeah, so what?"

"You've changed! This isn't you!" Evan felt the drugs hit him as his violent high began. He began shaking mildly as the violence of everything hit him. 

"YOU DON'T KNOW ME ANYMORE, MURPHY!" Evan shouted, slapping Connor's bad arm. Connor was knocked to the ground and Zoe couldn't believe what she was saying. Instead, Connor got up and grabbed Evan's wrists. "Evan? Please tell me what's wrong! You have to!"

"I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO! IT'S NOT LIKE YOU EVEN FUCKING CARE ABOUT ME!" Evan shouted, struggling to break free. 

"I've always cared about you, Ev! Whenever we make plans, you cancel!" High Evan smirked, a devious smirk at that. 

"Because I don't want to date a depressed emo prick like you!" Evan said sharply.  _Depressed Emo Prick._ Was that all Evan thought of him? The words replayed in his mind. Zoe nudged Jared and Jared knew what he had to do. Connor, still holding Evan's wrists, turned his head. "I've always fucking cared about you and you're fucking anxiety! I always put you before me! This past month I have been in places where I have wanted to  _kill myself_ and then I remember I have you and THAT'S THE ONLY REASON I'M STILL HERE!" Connor turned back to face his smirking boyfriend. Did Evan even care? " _Fire away, Murphy."_ Connor couldn't take it. He pushed Evan to the ground and stormed out the gates. He ran back home. But he didn't know Jared had recorded that whole conversation to show sober Evan. 

_The time: 7:46 PM_

Connor slipped the prescription pills in his pocket as he stormed out his room, locking the door behind him. He ignored Zoe's room. He slammed the door behind him as he walked to the park. It was empty. Perfect. Nobody would find him. Nobody would care! Nobody would care if he was gone or not! He wouldn't care. He'd just be another soul, gone from the world. Unimportant. There'd be no need for him around. Connor walked towards a tree and unscrewed the pill bottle. He swallowed the lot. He began coughing and knew blood was being coughed up. This was how he'd die. Alone in the park. Whilst conscious, gently leaning against the bark of the tree, still coughing, he pulled out his phone.  _To Zoe Murphy:  
Sis, I'm sorry you found me this way  **Sent**_

_To Kleinman:  
Text Evan to get his ass to the park if he's sober enough to focus.  **Sent**_

_To Evan Hansen  
Sorry  **Sent**_

There was blood on his phone screen as he sat against the back of the tree clutching his throat. It all of a sudden went dark. Was this how he'd die?

* * *

Sober Evan tapped his foot on the floor. Connor hadn't sent him any texts today and he was starting to get worried. He didn't remember anything High Evan did, so he didn't know if High Evan had fucked his and Connor's relationship up. Evan got a text and he jumped.  _From Connor Murphy:_

_Sorry. **Delivered just now.**_

Then Zoe and Jared texted about what texts they got. And Evan pulled on a jacket, making a quick walk to the park. The sun was setting and Evan was scared. But he saw a figure slumped against the only tree in the park that wasn't a sapling. Evan approached it. There was blood on the scattered leaves and an empty pill bottle. He walked closer. The figure was wearing black converse, like Evan, and had long hair, and he reminded him of Connor. Evan took another step and gasped.  _That was Connor._ "CONNOR WAKE UP!" He shouted, shaking his boyfriend, possibly ex by now, hoping he'd wake up. He didn't wake up, so Evan phoned an ambulance. With trembling hands, he texted Zoe. Zoe tried to ring him. He declined every time. The ambulance came quick enough and Evan updated everyone what was happening. 

_The time: 8:01 PM_

Evan had just got to the hospital and was allowed in with Connor as they ran tests. Connor's hand twitched when Evan brushed against it. Connor's eyes flicked open as he bought his hands up to his face to look at them. "Fuck..." He whispered hoarsely. 

* * *

Connor was looking at the dried blood on his hands, totally ignoring his location or who was beside him. "C-Connor...you're okay..." Evan. Evan was here. He sighed. He felt like shit. A doctor came in. "Mr Murphy, you're awake." The doctor took a breathe. "Unfortunately, the drugs you took where lethal and you swallowed 17 of them. I'm sorry, there's nothing we can do." Connor half expected it to happen. "I'll give you some time." She said and walked out. 

"Ev."

"No...no I'm not letting go!" Evan said, texting someone with shaky hands. 

"Ev, you have to b-, mate." They weren't dating anymore. What was the point of calling him Babe if he wasn't going to return the favour. 

"I'M NOT LETTING YOU DIE!" 

"Evan please stop shouting, you're going to scare everyone else." Evan began crying. 

"I never wanted any of this to happen Connor, I swear! I-I got high and I got violent. I'm sorry!"

"Evan, I'm not pissed at you!" Connor felt the air getting shallower. The doors swung open and Zoe was there. 

"Con!" She half shouted, running to him. She squeezed Connor's torso and Connor had to resist the urge to cough. "You fucking idiot! Y-You idiot!" She sobbed into Connor's hair. Connor gave a weak cough and Zoe sat up, holding Connor's hand. "Why did you do it?" Connor felt the air getting shallower. 

"Zoe get you're phone out."

"Wha-?"

"Zoe I want my last words to be fucking remembered so you can show mom!" Zoe, on command, pulled her phone out. This was messed up, Connor wanted his sister recording what his last words were going to be. "Mom, I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry I ended up like this. I don't want to scare you, but they were my prescription pills anyways. Kleinman, thanks for 6 PM by the way. Massive help." Connor struggled to keep his eyes open. Zoe was hiding her sobs and Evan wasn't. "And Evan.....Zoe.....I love you...." And Connor shut his eyes and stopped fighting. Zoe didn't realise what was happening so held the recording phone still. "Connor?" Evan whimpered. "CONNOR!" Evan shouted, crying over his ex's dead body. Zoe stopped recording and began sobbing as well. Connor Murphy's last words... _I love you._ How was she going to tell her mother that. She sent the video to her mom and Jared just because he was there too. Evan swore on that day he'd never do drugs again. 

 

 

 


	2. Evans Explanation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where Evan wakes up praying it’s a dream but gets more than he bargained for

The label on the pill bottle, Evan found, was scratched off. Presumably just by Connor knowing what was about to happen. Evan shook his head as he sat in the hospital next to his boyfriend. He hoped connor would make it. “C-Con...” Evan whispered. 

“Hey.” Connor said. Evan felt tears rushing to his eyes. “Ev please don’t cry...” Evan shook his head and held Connors hand. The doctor came in and explained everything. They couldn’t trace what the drugs were. It was almost like they weren’t invented. “Evan you have to listen to me.”

”I-I’m not letting go!”

”Evan you have to okay! I’m dying and there’s not much time left. I’m sorry for being such an asshole the last month and not coming to see you...”

”it wasn’t you’re fault Connor. It was never you’re fault.” Then Zoe burst through the doors. “Evan told me!” She said before crying. She threw herself on to Connors torso and cried. Hard. When Zoe finally sat up, Evan could see he was going to go. He had a few minutes left. “Zoe record.”

”w-what?”

”Moms not going to see me in time. Okay and I’m going to die. So record my last words.” Zoe ignored the tears falling down her face as Evan stroked Connors freezing hand. Evan didn’t care whether Zoe’s phone picked up him sobbing. But he knew Connor was going. Then Connor took a last breathe and shut his eyes. He was finally relaxed. He wasn’t in pain. “C-Connor!” Evan shouted, moving his hair out the way. “Connor no!” Zoe followed on. Zoe ran around the other side of the bed and hugged Evan tightly. “He meant so much to you....” Evan shook his head. Zoe was taller than him. In fact, most of the people he knew where taller than him. “He was youre brother...”

”he was youre boyfriend!”

”No. We broke up. We broke up earlier today.”

-

Evan woke up the next day. “Please say it’s a dream....” but no. It wasn’t. He still has the empty pill bottle on his cabinet, his own prescription in the far corner. And then Evan saw it. Connors hoodie. Connors hoodie was in his room. Evan turned away from it. “Connor, why did you do it?” Evan sighed, tears falling down his cheeks. Evan got changed into his own blue shirt and jeans, not bothering with shoes. He wasn’t planning on going anywhere. But he has to feel light somewhere. He tied Connors hoodie around his waist and cut his hair off with some scissors he kept in his room. Evan stayed there for a while looking at the floor. It had been a month since it had all happened. Evan ran his own hand over the scar on his left shoulder. 

_Connor had passed away on June 18th. Exactly one month before, May 18th, Evan had gotten stabbed by a group in an alleyway. He was with Jared and they went to go and get things for tomorrow. Tomorrow with Connor. But Jared had gone ahead. Evan has been taken advantage of, dragged in the alley and had been stabbed. The pain seared through his body as he grit his teeth. He got up when they were gone and caught up with Jared. “I just fell im fine.”_

Now the date was June 19th. A day after Connors death. He rolled his sleeve down and sat on his laptop for a while, editing pictures. He didn’t care what of. Mostly of trees. But that’s where Evan felt peace. There was a knock at the door. “Yeah?” He said quietly. Heidi walked through the door. “Evan...Zoe’s just given me this to hand to you. She found it in Connors room.” Evan turned around on his chair and saw a piece of paper. “Evan, I know he meant a lot to you.” Heidi put the paper beside Evan on the desk and left. Evan picked the paper up scared and his hands trembled. 

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_You won’t understand why I left this world. But I can try to explain it. As you may have noticed, I scratched the label off the pill bottle. It’s because I didn’t want you finding out what they were to try and find them and suffer the same consequences. The same consequences ugh. That’s lame! But anyways, Evan. I’ve always loved you. From that very first moment I saw you. You trembled, you had youre navy bag in you’re back. And Kleinman was beside you. I could clearly tell you were new. You weren’t looking at anyone. Nobody was looking at you. You thought that too. Someone was. And they’re names were Zoe and Connor Murphy. See, it was the first day of a new school year, September 4th, and I went to school high. Surprise surprise. But I was wearing black, much to my sisters despise. She hates me. I know that. She really hates me. And then you asked me to sign you’re cast. Evan, did you fall or did you let go? You told me you fell. But did you fall. You told me you were ok. And around 3 months later, we shared our first kiss. I was around yours. You just looked so adorable, do you remember? You were handstanding in the basement against the wall. Whilst reading you’re texts. I shook my head and lounged about on one of the chairs. When you came down, I told you to come over to me. So you did, and I kissed you. I think you were scared at first, but I know you liked me then. I asked you to be my boyfriend. You said yes. And that was that. Come May 19th when I was supposed to see you last, you cancelled. Every week from then on, you cancelled. Then I saw you today. I knew something in you had changed. You don’t dress like that. You don’t speak like that. And you lashed out at me. And you won’t remember this because of the heroin you somehow had in you’re room, you became violent and told me to kill myself. So, Evan, I’m going to be okay. I assure you of it. You probably found me first seeing as I text Jared first. Evan, by the time you read this, Zoe read it first I assure you. But Evan, I’ll never stop loving you._

_“_ So, did you fall or did you let go.” Evans eyes flew open. That was Connors voice. This was all a dream? Wasn’t it. There was a hand on his shoulder, he saw, but when he turned around, Evan saw Connor. But he wasn’t alive. He was...a ghost. “Evan did you fall or did you let go?” Evan felt his eyes close. “Evan Hansen will you fucking tell me.” 

“I-I LET GO!” Evan shouted, not knowing why. “Why?” Evan shut his eyes and shook his head. 

“I was hoping the impact from the fall would kill me so I didn’t have to interact with anybody at the new school...” every word burnt Evans tongue. Evan felt Connors hand lift from him. “You have a scar.” Connor pointed out. 

“About that...”

”There’s more!?” Connor said, throwing his hand in his face and tipping his head back.

”Umm...May 18th, I kinda got stabbed.” 

“IM SORRY, YOU GOT STABBED AND YOU DIDNT TELL ME?”

”BECAUSE I KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO BE LIKE THIS!” Evan shouted. Connor was shaking his head. He turns to face Evan. “So you try to kill your self, and you get stabbed, and you didn’t tell me.”

”Connor I’m sorry!” Evan flinched as Connor walked towards him. “PLEASE DONT HURT ME! Please don’t hurt me...please don’t hurt me.” Evan was distraught as he hid his face from Connor with his hands. Did Evan really think Connor was going to hurt him? A voice rang out in Connors head. “You remember the laws. You cry as a ghost, you’re bought back to life. You feel too strong emotions, you’re soul lives dragging you with it.” Connor shook his head as the voice rang out. Quickly, Evan ran out the room. Connor didn’t know why, but Connor let it all go. He let the tears fall. He let himself break. He didn’t want to be that asshole. He’d made a mistake and destroyed everyone who cared about him. He felt a lifting at the back of his head and saw the transparency disappear. Connor stood up. His hand flew to his chest and he took a breathe. He felt his heart beat. Evan came back and looked at Connor. “Connor, you’re not...”

”Pale, transparent, etc. Yeah. I know.” He kicked something in Evans floor as Connor felt himself be pushed on to Evans bed. Evan was hugging him and he wasn’t letting go. Connor sat himself up and let Evan cry as he held him. “You’re alive....you’re alive...” that’s all evan kept repeating. Connor pulled out his phone, that he’d died having, and texted the family gc. “Guys, somehow I’m miraculously alive again. I don’t know how. I don’t know WHY but I know Evans currently crushing me and I’m letting him.” Was what Connor sent 


	3. I’m sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> God forbid anyone who touches his evan and makes him that way again. And god forbid anybody who tries to confront him with the series of events that had just happened

Connor said nothing but he held Evan close to him. “I-I should have told you what was going on! I-I shouldn’t have scared you and then this and-“

”Evan shhh...it’s okay! I’m here now and I’m not letting anybody touch you.” Evan began shaking into Connor and Connor held him closer. 

“I-I’m Sorry for crying, Connor. I shouldn’t have left you behind in the first place.” 

“Oh Evan shut it will you! I don’t want to be fucking reminded of that place okay?” Connor slightly raised his voice and he felt Evan tense up. But Connor wasn’t letting go yet  

* * *

Zoe was nothing without her brother  the whole universe had gone numb. She couldn’t confront anybody about liking somebody else. It was at dinner it changed. She felt a tear roll down her cheek when her phone buzzed of a selfie of Connor and Evan. Her heart clenched until she read who it was from. 

_THE FAM GC_

_Zoe Murphy: a video_

_-_

_Today:_

_Connor Murphy: Yo guys, um...so apparently I'm back alive. Evan's currently crying into me Zoe help. Um, I guess I'll explain when I see you again? Yes this isn't me being hacked I'll send proof._

_Connor Murphy: A picture._

Zoe choked and slammed her phone on the table. "MOM! MOM DAD!" She shouted, stopping choking and running to the other room. "CHECK THE GROUP CHAT!" Cynthia and Larry both checked. Cynthia had tears in her eyes and Larry looked at his phone. "Please drive me over to Evan's..."

* * *

_knock knock knock_

That's all it took for the Murphy's to be in the Hansen's home. Zoe ran up the stairs and banged on Evan's door. "EVAN PLEASE SAY THIS ISN'T SOME SICK JOKE!" Connor sat on the edge of Evan's bed. "You're house, Ev." Evan sighed, wiped his tears and got up off his bed.  He opened the door and Zoe saw Connor. She ran and practically pounced on him. "Oh my god it's real...." Connor held his sister close and that's when he felt himself go. "Zoe I'm sorry for being such an idiot! I shouldn't have killed myself."

"Connor it's not you're fault! We aren't blaming you! It was never you're fault!" Zoe sobbed. Connor pulled Evan into a three-way hug. "Mom and dad are downstairs." Zoe said as she pulled away. Connor wrapped his other arm around Evan as they hugged again. "Oh god I've only  _just_ started crying!" Zoe smiled. "Ev, you comin?" Connor sniffed. Zoe had never seen this side of her brother and to put it one way, it was different. Evan nodded into Connor's chest as Connor stood up, taking Evan with him. Zoe ran down the stairs and Evan followed. Connor didn't know why he was so anxious, but he came down the stairs a lot slower than the others. But then he saw his mom. He turned the corner facing the main room and Cynthia nor Larry were looking at him. But they were his parents, and he'd been assholes to both of them. He wiped tears from his eyes as Cynthia finally saw her son. "CONNOR!" She screamed standing up, Connor couldn't take it and ran into the safety of his mother's arms. He saw his dad stand up and Larry hugged him as well. "Mom, dad, I'm sorry."

"Connor don't apologise, son! We should have recognised the signs." Connor squeezed his eyes shut and that's when Heidi Hansen walked through the door. 

* * *

 

Connor opened his eyes. The date was May 18th. Not June 19th. May 18th, the day Evan was supposedly stabbed. He hoped to hell it wasn't. He saw the cuts on his arm and jumped. But everything was okay, he hadn't died, and he hadn't seen Evan in that state. It was almost like everything was back to normal...almost. Connor noticed the time and ran to Evan's house. He ran upstairs and saw Evan trembling in the corner. "Ev, babe, please let me look at you're arm." Evan shook his head as Connor slowly pulled Evan's sleeve up. Connor immediately pressed a towel to Evan's arm. "I didn't tell you I was stabbed..." the cowering former Evan said. It was still a shock to Connor. 

"I'll tell you everything later."  

**Author's Note:**

> plz tell me if you'd like another chapter!


End file.
